


…and It’s Complicated

by CurlicueCal



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collegestuck, Facebook, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pesterlog, Trolls on Earth, internet shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-24 12:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/940211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurlicueCal/pseuds/CurlicueCal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An epic Fakebook romance<br/>Based on a true fake story</p><p>Or: the one where Dave creates a fake Facebook girlfriend to help John with a prank and it's hilariously obvious to everyone except Dave and John that they're actually really dating each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is what happens when I pour stream-of-consciousness happiness onto paper  
> utter self-indulgent fluff  
> ...my warm fuzzy place includes lots of insults ok don't judge me

\--

♥ John Egbert is in a relationship with John’s Ghost and It’s Complicated

> Dave: congrats on getting hitched bro.

> Karkat: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASCENDED TO ENTIRELY NEW LEVELS OF GUT-PUKINGLY POINTLESS INANITY. YOU ARE SCALING THE RUNGS OF THE METAPHORICAL LADDER OF DOOFUSDOM SO RAPIDLY YOU HAVE LEFT THE LADDER ALL TOGETHER AND ARE ZIPPING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE LIKE A PARTICULARLY OBNOXIOUS BLUE CHEEPBEAST.  
> Karkat: IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU CREATED THAT RIDICULOUS PRANK ACCOUNT WHICH IS APPARENTLY FUNNY IN SOME WAY ENTIRELY BEYOND THE WIGGLING GRASP OF MY STRAINED COMPREHENSION FEELERS; WHY WOULD YOU MAKE EVERYTHING A NEW DIMENSION OF TERRIBLE BY ENGAGING IN SOME SORT OF PSEUDO-HUMAN-INTERNET-COURTSHIP DISPLAY WITH YOUR FAKE-DEAD-SELF?

> Dave: hes on troll facebook karkat obviously this is a pseudo trollian internet courtship display come on keep up we have standards to meet here  
> Dave: btw john i think troll displays are the ones where you have to bash horns together and then stick your head in a pail and vomit grubs  
> Dave: or do quadrants work different online

> Karkat: YOU HAVE ACTUALLY RENDERED ME SPEECHLESS, STRIDER, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY EVEN SURPASS EGBERT IN SHEER THINKSPONGE-SHREDDING AWFULNESS. THEY SHOULD PROBABLY CREATE A SPECIAL AWARD JUST FOR YOU. IT CAN BE CALLED THE OBNOXIOUS BASTARD IN SHADES AWARD. THE TROPHY IS A BRONZED DOUCHE. PLEASE PROCEED TO THE COUNTER AND PICK UP YOUR PRIZE AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE. AND THEN SHOVE IT UP YOUR WASTECHUTE.

> Rose: What a fascinating romantic path you have chosen, John.  
> Rose: I’m not certain I have ever encountered an example that so elegantly combines narcissism, necrophilia, disordered personality, and delusion. My congratulations on your ground-breaking accomplishment.  
> Rose: Perhaps some relationship counseling might be in order?

> John: haha, oops.  
> John: sorry guys, i was just playing around with my settings.

> Rose: I see. Tell us more about your interest in self-stimulation, John.

> John: rose, no. no, rose, no. 

> Rose: Would you say this originated before or after your descent into narcissistic self-fascination with your own fictional deceased spirit remnant? Is it possible your pursuit of an online relationship represents an attempt to reconstruct the less tangible trappings of your fixation on the other-worldly?

> John: …  
> John: :(

> Rose: Don’t be shy, John. I assure you I am approaching this matter as a professional.

> Dave: welp been nice knowing you bro bye now i wont forget you ill lay a red rose on your grave every day ill be sure to provide for your widow and orphans well name the first born after you im thinking johnny or little john or johnboy or derpface  
> Dave: wait your widows ghost-john  
> Dave: how will that work  
> Dave: have you been playing around with time shenanigans is that whats happening here

> John’s Ghost: nope, nothing weird going on here!

> Dave: this is my stern face john look how stern it is

> John’s Ghost: what?

> John: what do you mean, dave?

> Gamzee: AwWw wOw cHeCk oUt tHeSe bEaUtIfUl mOtHeRfUcKiNg mIrAcLeS Up iN HeRe fOr mY TwO GhOsTy-bRoS. FiNeSt bLeSsInG Be aLl uP AnD UpOn yOu.

> Karkat: GAMZEE, IT’S A FAKE ACCOUNT.  
> Karkat: GHOSTS CANNOT HAVE TROLLBOOK ACCOUNTS. JOHN IS NOT DATING HIS GHOST. JOHN IS AND WILL NO DOUBT REMAIN PATHETICALLY TRAGICALLY SINGLE AND PROBABLY NEVER BREED AND WE ARE ALL GRATEFUL FOR THIS SMALL BOON EVERY DAY.

> John: hey!  
> John: i could breed if i wanted to.  
> John: and also date.  
> John: dating more than breeding.  
> John: i think dad would disappointment-face at me if i breed before i finish my degree  
> John: in fact let’s leave breeding off the table all together  
> John: why am i talking about breeding?

> Karkat: I DON’T HAVE THE FIRST FUCKING CLUE BUT PLEASE STOP. THE MAMMAL-STOMACH-WIGGLER CONCEPT IS MAKING ME KIND OF NAUSEATED.

> Rose: Actually, John, from my observations of your father I consider it more likely that he would be entirely supportive of any action you wished to engage in so long as it was your choice.

> Dave: hear that john time to start pumping out the babies  
> Dave: send your dad a dozen bet hell be thrilled  
> Dave: bake you an im so proud cake  
> Dave: mmm cake  
> Dave: i want cake john why wont you earn me a cake  
> Dave: put those child bearing hips to work

> John: omfg adsfkadjk

> Dave: why not john i bet ghost john wouldnt leave me hanging like this  
> Dave: ghost john would be a bro  
> Dave: ghost john would understand the importance of dadbert cake  
> Dave: ghost john would give me babies

> John: dave no.  
> John: no babies, no breeding, no cake, no talking about my dad anymore.  
> John: no child-bearing hips!!!

> Karkat: NO RELATIONSHIPS, NO FAKE TROLLBOOK GHOST ACCOUNTS, NO STUPID PRANKS.

> John: wow, excuse you.

> Karkat: I THOUGHT WE WERE LISTING THINGS WE NEVER WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT AGAIN.

> John: pfft, whatever.  
> John: you’re not the boss of me. :p  
> John: i'll have as many relationships and fakebook ghosts as i want.

> Karkat: IT’S CALLED TROLLBOOK YOU INSUFFERABLE SHITPOKERS! WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO GET THAT RIGHT?

> John: and my pranks are hilarious.

> Rose: In fact I believe it’s called “A Social Networking Site Primarily But Not Exclusively Designed For The Use Of Trolls Wherein A Descriptive Page Of Yourself Is Created And Social Connections And Other Trivial Life Happenings Are Compulsively Documented And Collated In A Metaphorical Electronic Book Or Webpage Format For The Perusal Of Your Hatefriends And The Public And Also Various Political and Commercial Entities But Definitely Not In Any Way That Violates Your Personal Privacy Or Welfare Or Security”  
> Rose: Although I admit that doesn’t trip off the tongue easily in casual conversation.

> Aradia: if j0hn did die and his spirit s0meh0w retained c0herency and  
als0 a desire t0 access s0cial netw0rking sites i w0uld be willing t0  
assist him as a medium  
> Aradia: just to put that 0ut there

> John: thank you, Aradia.  
> John’s Ghost: you are a true friend.

> Aradia: 0u0

> John’s Ghost: unlike some people.  
> John’s Ghost: cough karkat cough

> Karkat: JOHN, I REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN ANY KIND OF MIND-BENDINGLY EMBARASSING AND POINTLESS PUBLIC TROLLBOOK ARGUMENT WITH ANY NON-EXISTENT ALTER-IDENTITY OF YOURS. I’M DICTATING THIS RIGHT NOW AS A FIRM, NON-NEGOTIABLE RULE IN THE HOPES THAT I MAY SOMEHOW MAINTAIN SOME SMALL SHRED OF MY DIGNITY, IMPLAUSIBLE AS THAT SEEMS.

> John: wow, so mean, karkat. you're going to make ghost-me cry.  
> John: way to stomp all over the feelings of my temporary-accidental-fake-internet-girlfriend.

> Karkat: ‘GIRLFRIEND.’ JOHN I KNOW YOU HAVE AN ASSORTMENT OF RIDICULOUS HUMAN HANG UPS TO GO WITH YOUR BIZARRE PRECONCEPTIONS BUT DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW HUMAN SEXUALITY WORKS?

> Rose: To be fair, John’s sexual orientation is not necessarily dependent on the gender of his partner.

> Karkat: YEAH WELL I’LL BET HIS PARTNER’S GENDER IS ALSO NOT MAGICALLY DEPENDENT UPON JOHN’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION WHATEVER THAT MAY BE FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT. ESPECIALLY WHEN HIS PARTNER IS ALSO ACTUALLY JOHN OR A STUPID FAKE DEAD JOHN PSEUDONYM AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING ANYMORE WHY AM I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?

> John: haha, i don’t know, karkat.  
> John: why are you?

> Karkat: YOU’RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE AREN’T YOU? IS THIS EVEN A THING OR DO YOU JUST BRING THIS SHIT UP AND PLAY DUMB BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WATCHING ME FLAIL AROUND IN REACTION TO YOUR STUPIDITY? WHICH BY THE WAY, DOES NOT INVALIDATE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STUPID.

> John: mmmmaybe.  
> John: it’s not my fault you’re really easy karkat!

> Dave: truer words man

> Karkat: FUCK YOU, STRIDER.

> Dave: jeez man rein it in  
> Dave: like i appreciate you supporting my point but try to control your urges in public maybe save it for your diary or something fakebook is not the place

> John: it’s not his fault you’re hot dave

> Dave: truest words

> Karkat: PLATONICALLY AND ENTIRELY NON-LITERALLY, FUCK THE PAIR OF YOU IN ALL YOUR ORIFICES FOREVER; YOU TWO DESERVE EACH OTHER.

> Dave: i know right too bad johns already taken  
> Dave: what do you think john any chance of me stealing you away from your epic bromansu with ghost-john  
> Dave: ditch the ghost and be my true bro-love forever  
> Dave: or the other way round i guess either ways fine really im not picky

> John: oh sure i see how it is  
> John: any john will do  
> John: is that all our friendship means to you dave?  
> John: :T

> Dave: im sorry baby i can change

> John: nope too late. i'm promoting karkat into your place.

> Karkat: I WANT NO PART OF ANY OF THIS. I HATE YOU ALL EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT. WHICH IS A DEVASTATINGLY LARGE AMOUNT.

> Dave: aw karkles i knew you cared

> John: anyway i don’t know why john-ghost bothers you so much  
> John: it’s not that weird to make extra joke accounts.  
> John: jade's dog has a fakebook page.

> Becquerel: BARK

> Dave: okay see this is why i find that creepy

> John: it is pretty funny how that always happens.

> Dave: i mean is jade even online what the fuck  
> Dave: is the demon dog accessing fakebook all by itself and like typing with its paws i mean how do they fit on the keys are there unholy powers at work here can they alter the laws of space and physics and i guess biology or is jade like secretly a sociopath who enjoys fucking with my head what am i working with here where is the evil coming from

> Becquerel: BARK

> Dave: no shit im sorry mister demon dog im sure youre very nice and real and not evil  
> Dave: please dont eat me  
> Dave: shit can you even read  
> Dave: can you speak english  
> Dave: i mean read  
> Dave: read english  
> Dave: being a dog and all  
> Dave: okay listen up imma lay it out for you  
> Dave: bark

> Becquerel: BARK

> Dave: holy fuck someone make it stop

> Equius: D --> I’m not sure e%actly what is going on here but it seems some form of congrat001ations are in order

> Karkat: YOU SEE? YOU SEE THIS TRAINWRECK? THIS IS WHY TROLLBOOK IS NOT MEANT TO BE USED AS A TROLLIAN SUBSTITUTE. DON’T YOU PEOPLE EVER READ MY MEMOS?

Nepeta Leijon and 9 others like this status!  
Karkat Vantas abjured this status!

  
\--

✦ John Egbert changed his relationship status to Single!

> Eridan: hey john

> John: no.

  
\--


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john and dave hatch a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, hello, thank you for comments and kudos! you make me happy!! <3  
> *throws another chapter at*

\--

✦ Vriska Serket updated her status to Oh my goooooooog why does he have to go on and on a8out lame wiggler card games? Pick a 8etter report topic, dum8ass! Everyone is 8ORED!

> Tavros:uH, wAS THIS ABOUT ME, bECAUSE UH, i THINK IT KIND OF OBVIOUSLY IS, aND i THINK, mAYBE, yOU FORGOT THAT i CAN SEE YOUR COMMENTS,

> Vriska: Of couuuuuuuurse it’s a8out you Tavros, honestly. Pay attention! 

> Tavros:i THINK, uH, mAYBE WE SHOULD BE, pAYING ATTENTION TO THE CLASS, iNSTEAD,

> Vriska: Wow, then may8e get off of troll8ook! Duh.

Vriska Serket rolled her eyes at this status!

  
\--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: dave.  
EB: dave omg my dad is being so obnoxious.  
EB: and inscrutable.  
EB: and obnoxious.  
EB: dave c’mon i need to talk to someone.  
EB: dave.  
EB: dave!  
EB: dave.  
EB: davedavedave.  
EB: daaaaaaaave.

TG: wow sheesh cool your jets egderp  
TG: give a guy a chance to wade out of the embrace of sweet slumbertime  
TG: pry open his eyes  
TG: put on some clothes  
TG: brush his teeth comb his hair  
TG: eat a hearty and balanced breakfast  
TG: stumble over to the computer  
TG: i skipped some of those steps btw just sayin  
TG: basically all the steps  
TG: i wiggled across to my phone  
TG: just for u bb

EB: oh sorry did i wake you up?  
EB: its like eleven am though.

TG: its also a thing called the weekend look it up  
TG: we cant all be darling morning birds like you egbert  
TG: tweet tweet tweeting through the sky all davedave davedave  
TG: whats that oh thats the mystical windybird spreading joy and wakefulness throughout the land  
TG: pshooooo  
TG: plz dont shoot the windybird  
TG: we don’t even know why were calling it a windybird shit you think this thingd be a bluejay or a spoonbill or a boobyfoot or something but a windybird is what it is i guess

EB: i think it’s “wendybird.”

TG: wat

EB: like from peter pan?

TG: ...  
TG: youve been hanging out with nitram again haven’t you

EB: we have bio together.

TG: yeah whatever birdboy ive got my eye on you

EB: if either of us is a birdboy its you.  
EB: mr. magpie.

TG: yeah whatever all my shit is awesome  
TG: you wish you had as many shiny things as me

EB: you dont have shiny things, you have dead things.

TG: piling up my bling  
TG: dead bling  
TG: also im a fuckin hawk

EB: or maybe a crow.

TG: raven

EB: parakeet.

TG: im the most motherfucking radass parakeet you ever met and you know it  
TG: ok im up im sorta lucid whatd you need

EB: ugh whatever its not really that big a deal.

TG: nothings a big deal compared to my dick might as well lay it on me  
TG: give me the scoop mister nbd i will make your mountains into molehills and your molehills into cute lil half assed sandcastles and well have a beach party with your problems just whisper in my ear i can make this all go away for you

EB: just my dad is being annoying.

TG: annoying how  
TG: like put this on a scale for me  
TG: egbert to strider  
TG: pie in the face to surprise avalanche of homoerotic puppets and shitty swords

EB: blurgh. nothing like that.  
EB: just like he called me and he kept going on and on and around in circles implying things without saying anything and sort of meddling and i dont even know.

TG: so lalonde then

EB: haha maybe.  
EB: bluh  
EB: it’s just like suddenly out of the blue about dating and relationships and stuff.  
EB: and when a man loves a woman and two grown ups and this is how families grow and have i ever thought about blah blah blah  
EB: and on and on how he’s so proud of me and i’m so important to him and he just wants me to be happy.

TG: wow rough man

EB: :P  
EB: no but it sucks!  
EB: because i don’t know what he wants from me!  
EB: am i supposed to be dating?  
EB: am i supposed not to be dating?  
EB: is this supposed to be a sex talk?  
EB: I DON’T KNOW.  
EB: plus, like, i can’t tell if he’s VERY CONCERNED dad or if this is some sort of fiendishly elaborate set up for a prank.  
EB: or both i guess??  
EB: the first time i went home for break he baked me a cake, and inside was a giant clown doll, holding a smaller cake, and then when i freaked out he hugged me and said i was growing up so fast and he trusted me to know my own interests and he was SO PROUD, and then he took all the harlequin shit around the house and we packed it up and sent it to toys for tots.  
EB: ...  
EB: i thought he liked clowns??  
EB: but i guess he was pretending???  
EB: FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.  
EB: i don’t understand the joke.  
EB: i don’t know what to do.  
EB: my prankster’s gambit was not designed to handle this level of commitment.  
EB: :(

TG: ahaha i remember that  
TG: your dads p cool

EB: no he is not.  
EB: he is weird.  
EB: and not cool at all.  
EB: and possibly crazy.  
EB: he could be crazy and i would never know. it would be impossible to tell, dave.  
EB: he could be a serial killer.

TG: youre just mad cause he outpranked you  
TG: in egbert land that is like the deepest pit of shame  
TG: dishonor upon your family  
TG: go home with your fake nose or on it  
TG: fall upon your whoopee cushion  
TG: colonel sassybutt shakes his head slowly back and forth and sheds a single tear

EB: wow you are so helpful and encouraging dave, i'm so glad i came to you, you always know just what to say.  
EB: not.

TG: im sorry bro its just way early  
TG: and i was up way late  
TG: im kinda off my game  
TG: high caliber strider advice does not happen before noon  
TG: true art cannot be rushed  
TG: this shit has to ripen on the vine  
TG: age to peak perfection in dark cozy cellars  
TG: with blankets  
TG: cellar blankets  
TG: ngl i may or may not be still asleep

EB: bluh  
EB: ugh  
EB: whatever  
EB: it’s stupid anyways  
EB: i don’t even know what i think talking about this will do.  
EB: you should go back to sleep.  
EB: i’ve got stats homework anyway.

TG: no hold up bert  
TG: hang on a sec  
TG: i got this  
TG: gimme a moment to put on my serious pants

EB: ...if you actually own serious pants i will give you a dollar.

TG: all my pants are serious egbert you know this  
TG: serious like a stone cold killer  
TG: pants cannot afford to mess around with an ass this fine  
TG: it is serious business keeping this kind of masterpiece contained

EB: considering how tight you wear them i guess so.

TG: dont be jelly bro  
TG: u kno u want it  
TG: and quit trying to distact me i was going somewhere  
TG: getting all my ducks in a row  
TG: packing up for a stupendous mind blowing adventure through wordy wonderland  
TG: grab your bags and hang on to your glasses john gonna lay some sweet wisdom on you  
TG: gonna be wisdom all over the place  
TG: and ducks i guess  
TG: neatly ordered ducks

EB: dave.

TG: right okay your dad  
TG: you just gotta work on your pokerface

EB: i don’t have a pokerface dave.  
EB: i think only striders have pokerfaces.  
EB: we normal people use our faces to convey emotions.  
EB: like this  
EB: :O :( :D :) D:

TG: i mean work on your bluff  
TG: your deadpan your cunning ruse  
TG: did your face just have a seizure

EB: :p  
EB: see, you only wish you could do that.

TG: quit making fun of my disability and pay attention  
TG: im trying ta learn ya something

EB: uh huh  
EB: tell me more about the ruse mr. strider

TG: ok so  
TG: your dads like the king of selling the joke right  
TG: like the perfect straight man plays it smooth keeps it under wraps everything smooth as butter all the way up until the shaving cream explosion  
TG: ...  
TG: hm  
TG: that sounds like a porn movie plot

EB: focus, dave.

TG: right  
TG: what you need to do is out straight man him  
TG: call his bluff or whatever  
TG: maybe kick it up a notch  
TG: ramp up the oblivious sincerity  
TG: just go along with everything  
TG: and make him give first  
TG: like gay chicken but without the gay  
TG: and with your dad  
TG: so yeah definitely leave the gay out of it lets keep this plan incest free

EB: dave i have no idea what you’re talking about.

TG: ok so like  
TG: you said hes talking about you dating and stuff  
TG: so date someone  
TG: make it an even bigger deal than he has  
TG: take it really serious and talk about it all the time on and on as embarrassing as possible until he panics and gives up  
TG: or he buys it forever in which case you also win  
TG: because of tricks  
TG: and wool pulling  
TG: i guess  
TG: however the prankster thing works  
TG: i dunno im not an egbert

EB: dave.  
EB: that is a terrible plan.  
EB: that plan doesn’t even make sense.

TG: sure it does

EB: no i’m pretty sure that’s not so much a plan  
EB: as an alarming glimpse into the sleep-deprived mind of dave strider.  
EB: besides i don’t think i could date somebody just to bother my dad.

TG: i didnt mean date someone for real derpbert  
TG: i mean get yourself a canadian girlfriend  
TG: fake it til you feel it  
TG: make believe  
TG: pretend john  
TG: and this plan is genius what are you even saying  
TG: i ought to be charging money and printing this goldmine onto fortune cookies  
TG: people climb mountains for advice this legit

EB: bet they climb back down right after.

TG: bite me  
TG: if they did it would only be to go spread the word of how sick my sweet advice fires are  
TG: everyone wants a piece of this wisdom pie

EB: haha, sure they do.  
EB: actually it does sound like a pretty funny prank. :D

TG: of course it does i thought of it

EB: but i don’t really know if I could actually pull one over on my dad.  
EB: he's pretty swift!  
EB: i'm just not sure i could fake a relationship that well.  
EB: at least not to the degree that would be needed to actually have an effect.  
EB: which seems like it would be a really high degree.  
EB: my dad is really  
EB: really  
EB: ...  
EB: involved.  
EB: involved is the word i'm gonna go with.

TG: sure you can  
TG: you just gotta not blink first  
TG: you wanna fill your pranksters gambit dont you  
TG: you gotta commit  
TG: escalate  
TG: annihilate

EB: dave, if you start rapping i will log off.

TG: take it to the roof and terminate

EB: :\  
EB: this took a surprisingly violent, yet unhelpful, turn.

TG: yeah sorry  
TG: might have channeled my bro for a minute there  
TG: hes more into all this confrontation strategizing and combat tactics and shit  
TG: but this is a good plan  
TG: my sleep brain says so  
TG: you should totally do this plan  
TG: you will win  
TG: you will win all the things  
TG: also it will be hilarious

EB: see now you sound like vriska  
EB: which is unsettling

TG: dont go bringing her into this

EB: in terms of plans.

TG: i am not like vriska  
TG: and ill tell you how im not  
TG: ill help

EB: help?

TG: yeah like  
TG: ill make you a fake girlfriend on fakebook or something  
TG: give you something to work with so you can be all sincere and earnest and shit  
TG: epic internet romance bro thats some grade a pranking  
TG: high quality shit  
TG: ready for market  
TG: act now while supplies last

EB: my dad’s not even on fakebook, dave.

TG: so  
TG: youll still get to pester his ear off about your awesome online girlfriend all the time thats even more annoying  
TG: see how wide eyed egbert earnest you can be  
TG: run that chattertrap into the ground  
TG: ill make this fauxlationship delirious levels of ridiculously sincere itll be great  
TG: wait and see  
TG: anyway i thought your dad had an account  
TG: wasnt he clicking like on everything and sending you ecookies at some point  
TG: i got an efatherly pat on the back  
TG: it was weird  
TG: but pretty ok i guess

EB: bluh  
EB: yeah he does.  
EB: but on facebook.  
EB: he doesnt know about trollbook yet.

TG: yet  
TG: are we in a horror movie john  
TG: is the monster coming back  
TG: should we batten down the hatches and draw straws to see who gets eaten first  
TG: should it be vriska  
TG: actually vriska would probably eat all of us

EB: what is your thing with vriska today?

TG: nothing i don’t have a thing what thing are you even talking about  
TG: i sure dont know  
TG: im talking about your dad  
TG: i dont know why you dont just not friend him if you dont want to

EB: well, since you’ve met my dad  
EB: i don’t feel obliged to answer that question  
EB: because i’m confident you can work out the answer yourself.  
EB: the answer is my dad.  
EB: i can’t not friend my dad he’d be all...  
EB: ...dad.  
EB: besides you’re friends with your bro.

TG: yeah but i dont add him he hacks in and adds himself  
TG: if i unfriend him he fucks around with all my settings  
TG: and sets all my interests to weird puppet porny things and childrens tv shows  
TG: so yeah  
TG: instead he friends me and i ignore him really hard and he just kinda  
TG: lurks  
TG: in the background  
TG: like a creepy internet stalker  
TG: which he is  
TG: and i pretend hes not watching everything i do online while plotting mortifying puppet related ambushes that somehow double as life lessons   
TG: and denial gets me through the day until i can go home and cry quietly into my pillow  
TG: dont judge my life

EB: maybe we should make you a fake internet girlfriend.

TG: yeah no  
TG: lets not feed the tiger  
TG: the tiger is already a smug bastard who enjoys fucking with my head  
TG: the tiger does not need encouragement  
TG: or tiger food  
TG: in fact lets go back to pretending the tiger does not exist

EB: maybe you just need to work on your pokerface, dave.  
EB: like this  
EB: B|

TG: cute  
TG: and my pokerface is perfect tyvm  
TG: it is a flawless impenetrable mask nigh unto godlike  
TG: this face could stop time its that immovable

EB: yep you’re fort knox alright, dave!

TG: shut up were solving your family relationships right now

EB: yeah i still don’t know about all this.  
EB: i mean i do think the fake girlfriend idea could be fun.  
EB: but maybe i’ll just make my own.  
EB: i want it to be believable.

TG: hey now

EB: no, i just mean if the prank is going to work the fake account can’t be half-assed.

TG: ...

EB: i mean it can’t be all ironic or whatever!  
EB: or at least only subtly ironic.  
EB: dave!

TG: ...

EB: bluh  
EB: don’t you dot dot dot at me, mister.  
EB: you know you would.  
EB: this is just truth.  
EB: try to tell me you wouldn’t name her sweetie hellajeff or something.

TG: well not now i wont

EB: you see!

TG: oh i see  
TG: it seems you think i cant be subtle

EB: omfg dave don’t be an idiot  
EB: i obviously didn’t mean it like that.

TG: seems you think i cant front like a gangsta

EB: you are such a drama queen.

TG: seems you think i dont have what it takes

EB: if i compose you an im sorry song will you lay off, mr. subtle ganster queen?

TG: aw hell no you questioned my swag  
TG: it is too late for sweet talk  
TG: and magic piano fingers  
TG: there is only one path forward from here  
TG: we are going down this road egbert  
TG: we are making this road be a road that happens  
TG: prepare to be wooed hardcore  
TG: i will make you the best fakebook girlfriend john  
TG: i will be the best fake fakebook girlfriend you ever had

EB: i've never had a fake fakebook girlfriend, dave.

TG: what about vriska

EB: wow, rude.

TG: im just saying  
TG: that was a really weird and sad attempt at a relationship  
TG: she dumped you on valentines day john  
TG: and then she punched you in the shoulder and gave you her favorite dice  
TG: and invited you over to watch nic cage movies  
TG: weird john  
TG: very weird

EB: hey, vriska's awesome. vriska's my bro.

TG: yeah whatever  
TG: which is exactly why i called her your fake girlfriend  
TG: shes a bro  
TG: and what have we learned about dating bros  
TG: it never works out and it always ruins the friendship  
TG: i mean except for if its you apparently in which case you have a dramatic public breakup with lots of shouting and name calling and exactly seventeen hours and 36 minutes of silent sulking and then you somehow go right back to being friends??  
TG: what was that john  
TG: that isnt in the rulebook  
TG: popular media says that isnt supposed to happen  
TG: youre breaking reality ill have you know  
TG: you and your crazy spider bro ex

EB: aww  
EB: are you jealous dave?  
EB: you'll always be my best bro.

TG: shut up and let me show you how proper fakebook bromance is done

EB: haha fine okay.  
EB: you can make me a fakebook girlfriend.  
EB: the plan is officially a go.  
EB: i thought the point was for it not to be bromance though. :P

TG: and by bromance i obviously mean romance keep up  
TG: it will be the most shitty awesome embarrassing spectacle of a romance your dad ever had to hear about  
TG: with balloons  
TG: and glitter  
TG: and ponies  
TG: probably not ponies  
TG: im not sure how ponies came up actually

EB: haha omg, dave.  
EB: get some sleep.  
EB: im kind of looking forward to seeing what you manage though.  
EB: :B

TG: damn straight  
TG: i know all the techniques  
TG: technique all over the place  
TG: you will be so impressed john  
TG: like an iron  
TG: pressed

EB: uh huh, okay dave.  
EB: that’s very nice.  
EB: you should maybe go back to sleep now.  
EB: thanks for helping me.  
EB: ill wait patiently for your ‘technique.’

TG: you are such a derpface

EB: go to sleep, dave!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: derpityderp derpface  
TG: ...  
TG: pffffffft  
TG: why do i know im going to regret this conversation when i wake up again

  
\--

✦ Tavros Nitram is feeling rEGRETFUL OF, cERTAIN CHOICES, today!

\--

✦ Tavros Nitram changed his status to i THINK, mAYBE WHEN THERE ARE GROUP PROJECTS, sOME OF THE DECISIONS, sHOULD BE, aS A GROUP,

> Vriska: Jeeeeeeeez, could you whine any more like a little wriggler? Just 8ecause some8ody tries to help you not totally suck! I have 8etter things to do with my time you know!

\--

✦ Tavros Nitram changed his status to mAYBE, pEOPLE SHOULDN’T ASSUME THAT ANYONE, iS TALKING ABOUT THEM, jUST BECAUSE IT MIGHT APPEAR THAT WAY, bECAUSE OF CERTAIN EVIDENCE, oR REASONS,

> Vriska: Every8ody can see you typing your dum8 little passive-aggressive statuses, Tavros!  
> Vriska: And nnnnnnnno8ody cares. Can we may8e try to get some work done today? 

\--

✦ Tavros Nitram changed his status to wELL i STILL THINK, tHAT A RAP, wOULD BE A GOOD SPEECH IDEA,

> Vriska: UGH  
> Vriska: We covered this, like, 8 million times already, Tavros!  
> Vriska: Let it go!

\--

✦ Tavros Nitram changed his status to aND ALSO THAT COULD STILL BE, rEFERENCING ANYTHING, aND IS NOT REALLY, pASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, aT ALL, vRISKA

> Vriska: Honestly, why do I even try?

> Sollux:: ...ii2 iit two late two opt out of thii2 project?

> Kanaya: Sadly I Believe That There Is No Opting Out If One Also Wishes To Receive A Passing Grade In This Class  
> Kanaya: I Have Checked This Several Times  
> Kanaya: Also If You Leave Me Alone With These People I Will Probably Enact Violence Upon You  
> Kanaya: Just To Put That On The Table So There Are No Hard Feelings Later

> Vriska: Wow, rud8! D::::<

Vriska Serket rolled her eyes at this status!

\--

✦ Tavros Nitram added Self Confidence to his Interests!

Tavros Nitram liked this status!  


  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're in public speaking together.  
> it's going well.
> 
>  
> 
> >:D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout-out to Asuka's amazing [Family You Choose](http://archiveofourown.org/series/26125) 'verse. Byrd "Davesprite" Strider is my favorite Strider forever and ever amen. tragically, he does not exist in this universe.  
> thanks for letting me namedrop!

\--

♥ John Egbert and Wendy Byrd are now in a relationship!

> Feferi: Glub!  
> Feferi: T)(at is sooooo CUT\--\--\--\--E!!! 38D

> Nepeta: :33 < *ac purrks up her ears at the chirpbeasts singing together*  
> Nepeta: :33 < *the skillful huntress creeps through the underbrush and pounces on the two fluffy featherbeasts, trapping them in her paws!*  
> Nepeta: :33 < *but they do not need to be afuraid! ac is very carefurl with her claws and purrs happily fur both of them!*  


> Tavros: uH, iM NOT REALLY SURE, i GET THE JOKE, bUT I GUESS, iM HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH,  
> Tavros: uNLESS, THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT RESPONSE, iN WHICH CASE jUST, iGNORE THIS,

> John: thanks everyone! i’ll tell wendy you say hi.

> Wendy: wendy says hi her own self  
< Wendy: ...  
> Wendy: <3 :)

> John: hi back, hummingbird.  
> John: <3

> Wendy: aww thanks sugarpie  
> Wendy: youre so cute

> John: no, you’re cute.  
> John: the cutest.

> Wendy: giggle  
> Wendy: swoon

> Karkat: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU TWO SHITHEELS DOING NOW?

> John: oh hey, karkat. what do you mean?

> Karkat: NO, WAIT, FUCK.  
> Karkat: I TAKE IT BACK. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I REFUSE TO GET SUCKED INTO THE ENDLESS MORASS OF FARCICAL STUPIDITY THAT IS WHATEVER THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE. I AM NOT TOUCHING IT, I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, I AM NOT PLAYING BIZARRE TROLLBOOK PUBLIC EMBARASSMENT GAMES. IN FACT I AM EXITING OUT OF TROLLBOOK THIS EXACT INSTANT AND YOU BULGEFUMBLERS ARE ON YOUR OWN BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS FUCKTASTIC SHIT-SPECTACLE.  
> Karkat: ...BUT SERIOUSLY, I’LL MESSAGE YOU. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR CHAT CLIENT LOGGED ON.

> Equius: D\--> I believe I must e%tend my congrat00lations again

> Karkat: FUCKING HELL, SOMEBODY STAB ME BEFORE I EXPLODE FROM STUPID.

> Wendy: aww  
> Wendy: feel better soon johns friend

Nepeta Leijon and 12 others like this status!  
Vriska Serket wolf-whistled at this status!  
Karkat Vantas abjured this status!

\--

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GG: :D:D:D  
GG: john!  
GG: john where are you!  
GG: bluh john who are you talking to??  
GG: did karkat get to you already??  
GG: ugh  
GG: RUDE!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum!--

\--

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GG: DAVE!  
GG: i found you!!  
GG: DAVE I KNOW YOURE ONLINE I SAW YOUR COMIC UPDATE!!  
GG: ANSWER YOUR PESTERCHUM FUCKASS!

TG: sup harley

GG: DAVE!! HI!!!!!!

TG: going a little nuts with that capslock today  
TG: tossing around shoutpoles like crack confetti at a punctuation party

GG: thats cause im EXCITED!!!

TG: yeah im getting that  
TG: it comes through pretty clear somehow  
TG: you maybe want to lay off on those movie nights with peixes a bit  
TG: draw the line somewhere before total assimilation into one person  
TG: the world is not ready for a peixes-harley conglomeration  
TG: stomping around destroying cities with the power of your kawaii  
TG: cutest little abomination of science ever

GG: dave dont be ridiculous  
GG: if we decided to take over the world no one would see us coming :D

TG: see i think i should be unsettled by that but i find it kind of adorable instead  
TG: creepy adorable  
TG: its too late for me im already infected  
TG: someone must warn the world  
TG: quick alert the presses

GG: oh wed have sollux secure global communications first thing :)

TG: and now its crossing into alarmingly well thought out  
TG: and also kind of disturbingly plausible  
TG: do you have something to tell me harley

GG: no, but you do!!  
GG: if youll stop distracting me!!!

TG: cant help it  
TG: i was born with an overactive distraction gland  
TG: and bit by a radioactive distraction  
TG: a distraction killed my parents  
TG: im distractionman  
TG: its a blessing and a curse

GG: sure you are!  
GG: and also... :D  
GG: ...  
GG: .......  
GG: ..........

TG: why do you do this

GG: ................  
GG: duh, because i can obviously!  
GG: also........................  
GG: ....................................

TG: oh  
TG: damn  
TG: the suspense

GG: ...........................................DATING JOHN?!?! :DDDD

TG: what no im not  
TG: who told you that  
TG: johns dating some wendy chick  
TG: whos not me  
TG: i mean johns not dating me because of wendychick not that im not wendychick why would i not be wendychick that would be crazy 

GG: dave

TG: you cant not be a different person how would that work even

GG: I ALREADY KNOW  
GG: THAT YOURE WENDYCHICK

TG: no im not  
TG: im a completely different person  
TG: look at me over here  
TG: all existing  
TG: as a different person  
TG: existing as a different person  
TG: that was a bad place to hit enter  
TG: because wendychickbyrd definitely exists  
TG: and is not in any way a prank  
TG: or me

GG: ...prank?  
GG: :\

TG: there is no prank i dont know what youre talking about why would there be a prank and if there was why would i mention it id never mention it  
TG: that shit would be under wraps like a christmas-hannukah-kwanzaa present youd need a fucking machete and a blowtorch to get that shit unwrapped  
TG: sixteen layers of duct tape  
TG: and that plastic packaging thats fuck all impossible to get off  
TG: that kind of wraps

GG: dave, that sounds really dumb  
GG: i thought you were being ironic?? :\  
GG: how is this a prank?  
GG: :\\\\\\\

TG: its not a prank its not even a thing  
TG: this is all just a very vivid dream  
TG: involving no pranks  
TG: ...  
TG: pls dont let john know this conversation happened

GG: i probably wont?  
GG: :?  
GG: dave...  
GG: youre not playing a trick on john are you??? >.<

TG: what  
TG: no

GG: because i will totally bash your head

TG: no this is all johns idea  
TG: all john  
TG: i mean  
TG: except for the idea part  
TG: i guess that was kinda my thing  
TG: mostly my thing  
TG: ok fine entirely my thing  
TG: but its all johns fault  
TG: he took advantage of my sleepiness

GG: ...do i need to bash johns head?

TG: i think we can leave heads pretty much unbashed in this scenario  
TG: skulls almost entirely without compound fractures  
TG: ill keep you on standby though ok  
TG: thx much  
TG: whered this sudden fixation on violence come from anyway

GG: i just really want you both to be happy!!!!

TG: and your solution is brain trauma

GG: :p  
GG: not really  
GG: youre just both kinda dumb sometimes!  
GG: and i wanna fix it!  
GG: bluh!

TG: wow thanks harley

GG: :P YOURE WELCOME STRIDER  
GG: anyway, i just said want to  
GG: youre also really awesome!!!  
GG: and my friends!!  
GG: and i know youll work it all out on your own  
GG: and that’s the best way  
GG: im just impatient sometimes  
GG: sorry!! i dont mean to be :(

TG: well i guess  
TG: wow thanks harley  
TG: minus irony  
TG: now see what you made me do  
TG: you ought to be ashamed of yourself missy  
TG: stripping a man of his chill  
TG: destroying his max radical dignity

GG: hahaha sorry!  
GG: ill work on that

TG: nah never change

GG: okay!!!!!  
GG: you either, coolkid :)  
GG: ...but if you boys don’t play nice i will totally bash both your heads!!!  
GG: :D

TG: ooh check that prime mediation action  
TG: bringing out the smutty ashen foreplay i see harley  
TG: im not gonna fight destiny  
TG: clubs me up baby

GG: well okay dave, if youre sure youre ready for this.............  
GG: c3<  
GG: ;)

TG: swoon  
TG: and somewhere egbert flinched in cousin incest horror  
TG: and a nubby horned troll started screaming about misuse of quadrants

GG: XP  
GG: bluh, whatever!  
GG: karkats way too strict about quadrants!!  
GG: its completely no fun at all!!!! :I

TG: hm  
TG: did i detect a hint of romantic discontent in that emoticon  
TG: do i need to dig out the old head basher  
TG: get some omnidirectional clubs action going on here

GG: hahaha no!! :D  
GG: not really im just window shopping ;)  
GG: ill let terezi deal with that  
GG: she likes complicated things  
GG: ill stick with people that dont need a rulebook and a shipping grid :P

TG: uh huh  
TG: so in a completely smooth and non insinuatory change of topic hows your roommate doing

GG: aradias very excellent thank you  
GG: :D :D :D  
GG: very excellent

TG: go grrrl

GG: XD  
GG: sooooooo.......  
GG: back on topic!!!!!  
GG: you and john  
GG: “prank”  
GG: what ARE you up to, mr. coolkid?

TG: uh  
TG: well

GG: the more you dodge the more i wanna know!  
GG: cmon dave!!!!  
GG: telllll meeee

TG: the thing is

GG: is this a kinky thing? >:3~

TG:...

GG: :D :D :D :D

TG: oh look at that  
TG: pyropes texting

GG: dave!!!  
GG: >:O

TG: ttyl harls

GG: DAVE OMG  
GG: don’t you dare!!

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]\--

GG: wow coolkid smooth!  
GG: so smooth!!  
GG: :p

\--

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

AG: Johnnnnnnnn, my favor8 loser!  
EB: hey, vriska!  
EB: hang on...  
EB: sorry i’m just talking to karkat.  
EB: he’s having an epic concern fit in the other window.  
EB: it’s kind of hilarious and alarming at the same time!  
EB: like, do you think he could actually burst a blood vessel in his brain?  
EB: should i have an ambulance on standby?

AG: John, why are you telling me a8out 8oring things that are completely unsurprising to every8ody?  
AG: I want to hear a8out your new ‘rel8tionship’!!!!!!!!

EB: haha, oh man... you too, huh?  
EB: well...  
EB: it’s kind of weird talking about it with you, but if you really don’t mind...  
EB: wendy’s really great!  
EB: shes so pretty and sweet!  
EB: and she has this adorable thing she does with her nose when she’s happy!

AG: Okay, wow, no, stop right there, John.  
AG: I’m going to roll my eyes right out of my head, seriously!  
AG: Did you fail to notice my sarcasm 8rackets?  
AG: I’m not asking a8out your dum8 cover story or whatever!  
AG: Which, 8y the way, you sound like you’re descri8ing a fluffy hop8east!  
AG: 8ut whatever, I don’t actually care a8out that.  
AG: O8VIOUSLY.

EB: um, okay.  
EB: what are you asking about?

AG: Seriously?  
AG: YOU are scheming!  
AG: You are scheming and sneaking and swindling!  
AG: And you’re leaving me out of the fun, lame-o!!!!!!!!

EB: haha, what?  
EB: no i’m not!

AG: John.  
AG: John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John.

EB: ....

AG: ::::|

EB: aw man, is it that obvious?  
EB: i thought we were doing pretty good. :(

AG: John, don’t be dum8, of course it was o8vious to ME.  
AG: After all, I am the 8est!  
AG: No8ody is better at games than me.

EB: well, i guess that’s a point.  
EB: although I’ve gotten some pranks over on you before! :P

AG: Well, duh!  
AG: O8viously I didn’t want you to feel 8ad.

EB: oh, is that it?  
EB: wow, vriska, it sure was nice of you to get your room filled with pingpong balls and a bucket of raspberry gusher goo in your hair just so I wouldn’t feel bad! :)

AG: Yes it was.  
AG: Very nice.

EB: :B

AG: ........

EB: :BBBBBBBB

AG: Oh my gog, John, shut uuuuuuuup a8out that already!  
AG: That was ONE TIME!

EB: three times. :D

AG: Whatever!!!!!!!!!  
AG: We’re not even talking a8out me right now!  
AG: We’re talking a8out you!  
AG: I know I’m fascin8ing 8ut let’s try to stay focused.

EB: ok, welllll.  
EB: since you already figured it out i guess i might as well spill the beans.  
EB: basically dave got this idea that i should pretend to be dating someone online as a prank on my dad.  
EB: so he set up a joke account on fakebook for me?  
EB: i guess some people kind of caught on, though.

AG: Dave, hmmmmmmmm?

EB: yeah, he was pretty set on it.  
EB: he’s really funny when he’s half asleep. :)  
EB: in retrospect it was kind of not very well thought out.  
EB: like, i’m not even sure if we were actually supposed to be pranking everyone else??  
EB: colonel sassacre says that clarity on your pranking objectives is vital for a successful endeavor.

AG: Those are very wise words, John.  
AG: Luck won’t get you anywhere without a proper plan of attack!  
AG: Of course, you also need a relia8le partner to be in cahoots with.  
AG: Especially if you are going to venture into dangerous territory like d8ing.

EB: hey, dave’s reliable!

AG: ........ ::::\

EB: wow, shut up.

AG: I didn’t say anything!

EB: uh huh.  
EB: I don’t know why you two have so much trouble getting along. :p  
EB: anyway, i'm pretty sure fake-prank-dating doesn’t actually count as dangerous, vriska.  
EB: actually i don’t think real dating does either.

AG: Of course it does, John! There is nothing more dangerous than d8ing.  
AG: Any kind of d8ing.  
AG: D8ing is when you are at your most vulnera8le and you never know when someone might sta8 you in the 8ack or 8r8k your heart and ruin everything!

EB: oh.  
EB: uh.  
EB: i thought we were doing okay since??

AG: Oh my gog, John. XXXX|  
AG: Not everything is a8out you!  
AG: JEEZ!  
AG: ........No wait this actually IS a8out you! 8ut it’s still not a8out US.  
AG: We are totally fine and I already completely forgave you for me having to dump you.  
AG: TRY not to 8e actively dum8.

EB: bluh bluh bluh XP  
EB: i was just checking!  
EB: sorry for being concerned about my friend!

AG: Yes, yes, you are a softy soft-touch 8a8y! It’s very sweet!  
AG: Now can we get 8ack to fixing your wreck of a life?

EB: i’m not sure my life actually needs fixing.

AG: Of course it does, John! Your life always needs fixing!  
AG: Especially when you’re getting involved in one of your 8izarre 8um8ling plans and dragging rel8tionship complications into it!  
AG: Do you have any idea how out of hand this could get?

EB: i really think you’re putting too much thought into this, vriska.  
EB: you sound like karkat!  
EB: except i think karkat thinks the prank is on dave for some reason?  
EB: or he thinks that dave thinks that i think that the prank is on him?  
EB: or something. 8|  
EB: that is entirely too much thinking about a silly prank.  
EB: which, by the way, can’t be ON dave since it was dave’s idea!  
EB: i mean, seriously.  
EB: what is his problem with us just goofing around??  
EB: not everything i do has some kind of ulterior motive.  
EB: sometimes a prank is just a prank.

AG: John, I recognize that deep thought a8out the complex we8s of people’s motivations doesn’t come n8turally to you.  
AG: 8ut may8e you should actually consider having some ulterior motivations for once????????  
AG: Remem8er what your officer guide sort-of-ancestor directed!  
AG: What are you trying to accomplish?

EB: well, i guess i'd still like to pull one over on my dad.  
EB: maybe i should stick this out.  
EB: i think it could work! :B  
EB: plus it was dave’s idea and he went to a lot of work setting this up.  
EB: actually way more than i thought he would.  
EB: i don’t want to just blow him off even if everybody did figure it out!  
EB: it’s actually been kind of fun, even if it didn’t work out quite like we planned.  
EB: did you notice that he made Wendy like all the same movies as me?  
EB: well and also air bud one through nine and that beiber movie sequel but it’s dave so it would probably be more alarming if he hadn’t done something like that.  
EB: oh and he made her birthday the same as nic cage’s! and her favorite animal is rabbits.  
EB: did you know he gave me a stuffed bunny once?

AG: ........  
AG: John, I am trying to be consider8 of your feelings here, 8ecause I know you’re a 8ig fragile 8a8y at heart.  
AG: And I don’t want you to think I’m not supportive of your quest to 8est your human-custodian-ancestor, 8ecause I realize that that is a 8ig deal.  
AG: 8ut I think I am going to have to rescind my offer to 8e in cahoots with you on this.

EB: aw, really?  
EB: i was thinking it might even be more fun now with more people in on it.

AG: John, you know it’s hard for me to not take charge of this kind of thing!  
AG: 8elieve me, if I am a8andoning you, it is for your own good!  
AG: Well, and 8ecause frankly I’m not sure you’ll ever learn if you don’t get thrown out of the coddlenest to test your wings!  
AG: Sink or swim, John!  
AG: I 8elieve you can figure this out!  
AG: And even if you fail horri8ly and get 8urned I will help you pick up the pieces 8ecause I am the 8est at 8eing human-style friends. ::::)

EB: haha well...  
EB: thank you i guess?  
EB: although i also kind of feel like i should be offended. :p

AG: You’re welcome!  
AG: Now that that’s all str8ened out i need to track down some losers and finish a project.  
AG: Plus do every single other thing to m8ke sure we pass this class apparently!

EB: haha all right!  
EB: i should probably get back to karkat before he combusts or something.  
EB: oh man and jade messaged me, too!  
EB: i had no idea internet dating would make me this popular.  
EB: heheh, i’m totally telling dave i’m one of the cool kids now!

AG: John, I h8 to 8r8k this to you 8ut there is no universe in existence where you are cool.

EB: wow, rude.  
EB: good luck with your assignment.

AG: Good luck f8ke-d8ing Strider! Try not to 8r8k him too hard. ::::)  
AG: L8r, loser!

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

\--

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: >:]

TG: i instantly regret opening this window

GC: >:]

TG: tz  
TG: tz no

GC: >:]

TG: how the hell does everybody know its me  
TG: i mean its not like i put up a sign  
TG: fake internet identities inquire within  
TG: false fakebook girlfriends half off  
TG: which half you choose  
TG: half of clothes i mean  
TG: lets try to keep this to more of a porn thing and less of a serial killer deal

GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]

TG: no stop

GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]

TG: please tell me youre not going to do the thing where you evil grin at me for the entire conversation  
TG: i hate the thing

GC: >:]]]]]

TG: ...  
TG: i regret everything

GC: >:]  
GC: D4V3  
GC: D4V3 D4V3 D4V3  
GC: YOU L4CK...SUBTL3TY

TG: what  
TG: that is vile slander  
TG: which nobody has ever suggested in my presence before  
TG: because of untruth  
TG: and lies  
TG: i have subtlety in truckloads  
TG: i am subtle like a completely undetectable ninja breeze  
TG: in a hurricane  
TG: crowds of fangirls jizz their pants with how subtle i am

GC: >:]  
GC: THE PROS3CUT1ON RESTS

TG: objection your honor the legislacerator is a heinous bitch

GC: OV3RRUL3D!

TG: this court is rigged  
TG: im pretty sure the prosecution and the judge are in cahoots

GC: THE SC4L3S OF JUST1C3 4R3 T1PP3D ONLY BY TRUTH D4V3  
GC: 4ND YOU R33K OF D3C31T  
GC: TH3 COURT W1LL NOW 4CC3PT YOUR CONF3SS1ON

TG: i dont wanna  
TG: you never give pardons for good conduct anyway

GC: OF COURS3 NOT!  
GC: TH4T WOULD COMPL3T3LY D3F34T THE FUNCT1ON OF TH3 JUST1C3 SYST3M  
GC: FORTUN4T3LY 1N TH1S 1NST4NC3 TH3 COURT 1S ONLY 1NT3R3ST3D 1N 3ST4BL1SH1NG MOT1V3

TG: dude youre asking the wrong person  
TG: i keep telling you i have nothing to do with any of this  
TG: wait hang on you want me to get wendybyrdchick on for you

GC: D4V3 1S TH4T 4 N4M3 OR 4 K3YBO4RD SM4SH

TG: what you think i can just randomly beat on some buttons and come up with this level of genius  
TG: be all  
TG: adsfsdgjnk  
TG: shfoeihgiho  
TG: wyndychyckbyrdgyrl  
TG: damn thats a way better name  
TG: i should change it

GC: MUCH 4S 1 WOULD ORD1N4R1LY 3NJOY ROL3PL4Y1NG W1TH YOU 4ND YOUR D3L1C1OUS T4NG3R1N3 4LT3R 3GO, D4V3  
GC: 4T TH3 MOM3NT 1 WOULD MUCH PR3F3R TO JUST G3T 4 F3W D1R3CT 4NSW3RS  
GC: FOR 3X4MPL3  
GC: WH4T PR3C1S3LY 4R3 YOU 4TT3MPT1NG TO 4CCOMPL1SH W1TH TH1S M4NU3V3R?

TG: nothing  
TG: its just one of egberts dumb pranks  
TG: im just along for the ride

GC: OH?  
GC: 4ND HOW 3X4CTLY D1D MR BLU3B3RRY T4LK YOU 1NTO TH1S?

TG: ...  
TG: i refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me  
TG: and also make me look really dumb

GC: 1 S33

TG: ha no you dont

GC: ...  
GC: SN1FF  
GC: TH4T R3M4RK W4S 3XTR3M3LY 1NS3NS1T1V3 D4V3  
GC: 1N F4CT 1 F1ND 1T TO B3 1N V3RY POOR...  
GC: T4ST3  
GC: >:]

TG: oh no please not the puns  
TG: ill be good  
TG: just make the hurting stop

GC: 1M GL4D TO H34R TH4T D4V3  
GC: 1N TH4T C4S3...  
GC: P3RH4PS YOU COULD 3NL1GHT3N M3 4S TO TH3 PR3C1S3 N4TUR3 OF YOUR F33L1NGS FOR ON3 JOHN 3GB3RT

TG: johns my bro  
TG: we are bros  
TG: case closed good detective you get a cookie

GC: DODG1NG TH3 QU3ST1ON!

TG: what is it with everyone today  
TG: a guy creates one little fake internet girlfriend to help a bro out and suddenly everyones assuming ulterior motives  
TG: just for the record that would have to be p much the stupidest way i ever heard of to try to get in someones pants  
TG: assuming that i wanted in them  
TG: which i dont  
TG: i mean how do you and harley even think my brain works is this like i like someone and instantly activate disney channel high school romance mode now with twenty percent more drama angst and comedically stupid misunderstandings dragged on far too long

GC: 4H4!  
GC: SO J4D3 H4S S1M1L4R SUSP1C1ONS ON TH1S TOP1C  
GC: P3RH4PS W3 SHOULD COMP4R3 NOT3S

TG: wow nope no not even not at all  
TG: she disagrees with you on every point imaginable  
TG: in fact she told me she thinks you smell

GC: WHY Y3S 1 SM3LL V3RY W3LL  
GC: TH1S 1S WHY 1 4LW4YS UNCOV3R TH3 TRUTH  
GC: NOW TH3N  
GC: T3LL M3 MOR3 ABOUT HOW YOU C4M3 UP W1TH 4 PL4N TO PR3T3ND TO B3 JOHNS G1RLFR13ND

TG: oh well sure because this has been such a fun conversation so far  
TG: of course ill do that  
TG: except oh wait look  
TG: is that rose  
TG: i should go talk to rose

GC: ... >:\

TG: sorry to cut this convo short  
TG: lets finish this some other time  
TG: like never

GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO DO TH1S D4V3?

TG: nope but sometimes i just gotta live life on the edge  
TG: peace out

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

GC: TSK  
GC: 4 RUNN3R  
GC: FORTUN4T3LY TH3 COURT H4S OTH3R R3SOURC3S 4T 1TS D1SPOS4L  
GC: >:]

\--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Hello, Dave.  
TT: Terezi says you’re looking for me.

TG: oh fucking hell on an installment plan  
TG: i am an idiot

TT: I’m glad you feel comfortable talking to me about these kinds of issues.

TG: ...  
TG: i want you to know that you two rooming together is the worst thing that ever happened to me  
TG: and proof of a vengeful and uncaring god

TT: I’m certainly interested in hearing more about your spiritual revelations as we progress, Dave. But first, my compliments on your formation of a novel internet persona. I see you and John are exploring some shared interests.  
TT: May I enquire as to the date of your impending nuptials?

TG: yes haha you found me out  
TG: im not subtle youre playing along the ruse was a distaction etc etc  
TG: can we skip to the part where you grill me for the deep freudian meanings behind every stupid joke i ever agreed to when half asleep and decide that i have something hideously wrong with me  
TG: namely my dick  
TG: here ill start  
TG: dave have you considered that you might be acting out repressed feelings for john  
TG: do you agree that this entire event might be an elaborate manifestation of your subconscious designs upon his person  
TG: could it be that you harbor a desire to become an internet birdgirl and hatch his chicks  
TG: does the fakebook girlfriend represent your repressed oviposition fetish is what im saying dave  
TG: chin hand  
TG: stare  
TG: eyebrow waggle

TT: There is no need to put words in my mouth—or affix gestures to my person. I assure you I am quite willing to respect your privacy in this matter.  
TT: I may have opinions or insights on the issue but I certainly won’t impose them on you if you are not ready to hear them.  
TT: My compliments on your thorough and specific knowledge of niche sexual inclinations, by the way. If you wish to discuss ovaphilia I may need to brush up on the literature for that particular fetish.

TG: oh  
TG: wow  
TG: let me think about that  
TG: PASS

TT: As you like.  
TT: I do have one question I would like to ask, if you would be willing to tolerate my well-meaning, if admittedly somewhat invasive, concern.

TG: fffft  
TG: sure why not everyone else is  
TG: join the throngs  
TG: goggle at the freakshow  
TG: get your sticker and hand stamp on the way out  
TG: psychoanalyze me harder bb

TT: Dave...  
TT: Is this wise?

TG: ...  
TG: oh whoops look at that im getting another message  
TG: from nobody at all  
TG: id better take that

TT: Evasion and denial are not actually going to assist you in this situation, Dave.

TG: gtg bai

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TT: ...I shall read that as a “no” to my question, then.

\--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]\--

TG: this is your one minute warning  
TG: im going offline for the night  
TG: i have hit peak busybody saturation point the system cant take any more of this  
TG: were losing all engines captain  
TG: red alert  
TG: red alert

EB: hehe they got you too huh?  
EB: karkat still hasn’t run out of steam.

TG: observe my utter lack of sympathy  
TG: I got tag teamed by lalonde and pyrope

EB: rrow :3

TG: john i will kick your ass  
TG: dont test me  
TG: if i have to even think the term freudian again tonight im going to drop out of school and join a nunnery  
TG: stick me in a habit and call me sister im done

EB: sounds pretty kinky, dave!

TG: ...  
TG: by the way did i mention were in a threeway ashlationship with jade now  
TG: kiss kiss

EB: agh  
EB: no

TG: whats this egbert  
TG: you arent going to break out poor little clovers are you  
TG: you cad  
TG: i thought we had something special

EB: dave i am not even going to pretend to date my cousin!!  
EB: bluh  
EB: anyway isn’t that a hate one?  
EB: i don’t wanna hate either of you guys! :(  
EB: that would be way depressing.

TG: i think you fail to grasp the nature of troll hatemance  
TG: but ill let it slide since im pretty sure they make it all up anyway  
TG: quadrants how do they work  
TG: no one really knows  
TG: its all done with mirrors i think

EB: rose says you steal karkats novels and read them when you think nobodys looking.

TG: rose is an evil witch and a traitor  
TG: and im un fake dating you  
TG: wendys gonna leave you and find another man

EB: oh no, not my sweet hummingbird!  
EB: darling wendy, don’t go!  
EB: think of all our love has meant!  
EB: think of our sweet imaginary non child!

TG: nope  
TG: your dulcet tones cannot salvage this betrayal  
TG: farewell sugarplum  
TG: youre going to have to find somebody elses tummy to host your animal cracker parades  
TG: these sweet abs are going johnless evermore  
TG: alas and woe

EB: pffft  
EB: “johnless”

TG: egbert did you just interrupt our ironic roleplaying to make an innuendo involving your own name

EB: hahaha

TG: that wasnt even a joke egbert what the hell  
TG: why do i hang out with you

EB: because you wouldn’t want to go johnless!!  
EB: what would you do without your john?  
EB: that’s a very tragic loss!

TG: i honestly cant tell if youre adventurously taking this conversation over into prostitution land or if you really fail hard enough at slang to think youre talking about dicks

EB: shush dave, i’m trying to woo back my dear precious wendy right now.

TG: ...  
TG: this is why you cant keep a girlfriend

EB: oh, burn!  
EB: from the guy who’s too rejection-phobic to get one in the first place.  
EB: anyway i can so.  
EB: wendy likes me.  
EB: wendy loves me.  
EB: wendy is my soulmate!

TG: wendy thinks you need to get a grip  
TG: and also i am not rejection phobic  
TG: i am just too cool for any of the would be beaus in this school  
TG: they are overwhelmed by my swag  
TG: scares em right off  
TG: they swoon and by the time they regain consciousness a thousand years have passed and they are strangers in an alien land

EB: uh huh.  
EB: is that why you friend-zoned terezi?

TG: no  
TG: actually  
TG: she is friend zoned because she is my friend  
TG: that zone being the magical place where one is friends with someone  
TG: because of fucking friendship  
TG: which is actually a pretty important thing  
TG: and not a consolation prize believe it or not

EB: oh man, no, i know! :(  
EB: i'm sorry, i didn’t mean it like that.  
EB: i just meant  
EB: no never mind, i'm being an asshole.  
EB: ...sorry, dave. :(

TG: whatever  
TG: its fine  
TG: i just dont really need any more psychoanalyzing right now  
TG: or ever  
TG: this psyche defies analysis  
TG: the beats are too unreal  
TG: cant put dave strider in a box  
TG: stop trying to judge me world you dont even know me at least take me out to dinner first  
TG: and maybe buy me a ring  
TG: in fact im making that a prerequisite nobody gets a piece of this until i see some bling on this finger  
TG: this brain pie shall remain unsliced until marriage

EB: ...i think that one got away from you a bit.

TG: yeah maybe

EB: did you want to stop with the prank?  
EB: i mean if they’re really bugging you...

TG: what  
TG: eh  
TG: whatever egderp  
TG: they just cant handle my sick moves and mad irony  
TG: im game as long as you are

EB: hehe  
EB: okay, that’s awesome!  
EB: because seriously—  
EB: seventeen PAGES of karkat drama-lecture.  
EB: i think this actually beats the record for that time i let vriska talk me into crashing that fraternity mixer.  
EB: based purely on audience feedback this may qualify as the best prank yet! :B

TG: ...  
TG: every single person who talked to me figured out what was up  
TG: how is that success

EB: dave!  
EB: pranking isn’t about everything going according to plan. it’s about getting the most interesting reaction!

TG: i thought the point was to get one over on your dad

EB: and if we get a reaction other than concern or pride out of him i’ll consider this venture a success  
EB: i’ll even accept STERN FATHERLY DISAPPROVAL  
EB: seriously he’s just been so weird lately  
EB: and he’s been calling EVERY NIGHT  
EB: and last night he went on this whole long thing about the “qualities of an ideal life partner” and i had to tell him that i don’t actually have opinions on where diligence ranks compared to prudence and then he decided he was proud i could see the whole person and he hoped i would keep using my best judgment while being tolerant and open-minded and i don’t know what is happening in my life anymore.

TG: okay wow  
TG: step one chillax and take a breath  
TG: we got this  
TG: and maybe learn how to screen your phone calls

EB: i can’t not answer my dad’s calls!  
EB: that would be rude.  
EB: and he’d probably panic and fly down here.

TG: haha he really would

EB: i need ammunition, dave.

TG: well thats the plan egbert  
TG: i told you we got this  
TG: byrdgirl to the rescue  
TG: fear not fair maiden this fakebook account is locked and loaded  
TG: and ready to provoke  
TG: were talking max provocative egbert  
TG: maybe even  
TG: fake hand holding  
TG: or would that be pushing things too far

EB: wow i dunno!  
EB: im too young for a shotgun wedding dave!

TG: ill try to dial the sexy down a few hundred notches

EB: :p  
EB: but seriously…  
EB: thanks for helping me, dave! 

TG: yeah whatever  
TG: now im absconding the fuck out of the interwebs before more people find me  
TG: be antisocial as fuck  
TG: gonna go curl up in my den like a bear  
TG: internet induced hibernation  
TG: tell my profs ill see them in the spring

EB: all right, you do that.  
EB: oh hey, can i come over?

TG: yeah okay

EB: okay, see you!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh i hope you were wanting more pages and pages of people dicking around on the interwebs cuz thats what i wrote! :D
> 
> thanks again to everybody who left kudos and comments on this story; it really makes my day <3


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